Shanita . . .
I dated a man that wanted to break up whenever there was a strain in our relationship. The constant refrain was that I flashed him back to his divorce. I didn't have the luxury of dealing with the conflicts between us. If I tried to swallow my unhappiness . . . it was a problem . . . if I expressed myself . . . it was a problem. It was a no-win situation.
I too have primal issues that can be accessed through stress . . . not to mention I might be a little, shall we say crazy. After this last (and let's say extremely painful) breakup I analyzed every relationship, good and bad to excise old demons.blame everything on my exes. That soon became a worthless exercise. This problem seems to me to be about unresolved issues. It took me until my 50's, this last break up and a trail littered with the corpses of failed relationships that I figured out that the demise of a relationship requires serious analysis and introspection. A clear eyed examination of what went wrong. An examination that had to include my role in its failure.
The other thing is, that like a death, one has to mourn. Mourning during anger, regret and disappointment is nearly impossible. But the loss needs to be mourned. There are lessons to be learned and healing that must be engaged and a certainty that even this loss is for the best.
The funny thing about examining what happened with my old flames is that invariably I felt like I dodged a bullet. Thankfully those relationships concluded even though at the time it felt like the end of the world and my life was over. But it wasn't over and things alway got better. At 20 that was hard to see at 50 it wasn't and hurt became a predictable process to work through.
The comparison to an ex is a primal, feral response to a hurt that needs exsanguination. So let it bleed out. What do you think David?
DAVID......
First, you really have to make sure that you are not comparing them to an old ex and are holding them to unattainable expectations. Everyone is different in their own way. It's almost as if you have to wipe the slate clean. But ultimately, it is hard to forgive and forget the transgressions of the last relationship. Especially if it was a nasty break up.
I think there almost needs to be an 'alone' period between relationships. A time for self reflection and healing. Healing: a point we both agree on. You have to heal yourself first before you get involved with someone else. A lot of my friends pass on this point and go frog jumping from relationship to relationship. Watching that train wreck in slow motion. But, as you know, most of your friends don't listen worth a damn. Funny, they say the same thing about you.
If you're bleeding out... you better have some leeches nearby. Makes it less messy. Lots of paper towels make it a win - win situation.
My first instinct was to run....